[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
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I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
😬
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Passwords are more important than ever.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.