[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
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Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Doggies just call it style.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Lmao
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.