Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
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“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes