Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
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Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
new wife guy just dropped
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Breaking news:
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
How to wake up a Beagle
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.