Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
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Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.