*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
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Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
How to draw a duck
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.