*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
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Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that