[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
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Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
The internet is magic sometimes.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.