World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
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My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
*offers Batman cough drops*
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.