I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
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Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
i think we should see other cousins
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
🤣🤣🤣
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no