Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
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Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
The funk soul brother
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Great Canadian literature.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.