Worlds greatest photobomb
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Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Me trying to “trust the process”