WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
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If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
who will stop them