Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
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<—- homeless romantic
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
dream blunt rotation
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.