[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
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sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle