Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
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one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
There is wisdom there.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food