Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
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Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
2022 be like
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.