My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
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Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.