With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
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me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains