Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
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I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.