Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
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Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.