Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
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Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
December birthdays be like…
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys