You Might Also Like
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
i actually laughed 😩
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Anyone want a chair?
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.