[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
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would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.