@_troyjohnson: Worst idea you’ll ever have is oiling your 4 year-old’s squeaky bedroom door. Congratulations, you just made a ninja.
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@occupied_stall: ‘This guy’s an idiot’ -people who don’t know me ‘This guy’s an idiot’ -people who know me
@david8hughes: [lost in Spain] Wife: ask that man where we are Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias Wife: well? Me: we are in Spain
@iamburtjarvis: my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol? my heart: yes and also start eating better? my brian: do whta yuo liek. me: love you, brian.