@_troyjohnson: Worst idea you’ll ever have is oiling your 4 year-old’s squeaky bedroom door. Congratulations, you just made a ninja.
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@TheToddWilliams: DOC: We got your blood tests back ME: Is it small pox like I thought? DOC: No, it's even worse ME: What could be worse than small pox? DOC: Big pox ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
@TheBoydP: My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend's house for the evening like she didn't see me get in the pool.
@: "Bro I hate my eyebrows" "You serious bro?" "I think they're too big, bro" "Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro" "Bro :')"