Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
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the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Bed should get ready for ME
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.