Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
You Might Also Like
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Sunday
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
i will not be silenced
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
it must be school picture day
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!