My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
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Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap