doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
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My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
lmao
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
What
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
At least try to make it slightly believable
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
I didn’t realize that was an option
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?