You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
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A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice