Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
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When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
When he asks for feet pics
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
ibopfufen
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.