Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
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I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly