@tsunami__7: Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog's face that said "sucks for you, I'm going back to sleep".
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@FunnyTunes: Wife :'Darling, look. I haven't worn this in 8 years and it still fits.' Hubby : It's a scarf!
@trims_the_fat: I never wish death upon anybody who wrongs me. I wish sudden, explosive diarrhea while on a date Much more satisfying.
@CastAwayKristen: "Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again" Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
@thatdutchperson: [first date] Her: know what you're getting yet? Me: a burger and one of those coloring menus. Her: oh, you have a kid at home? Me: no.