Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
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My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying