@KellieMounce: Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don't use your girlfriend's urine for testing.
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@AmnesiaRose: My alarm is set to the sound of a heart monitor's flatline so I startle awake every morning and think, "whew. Close call."
@weinerdog4life: Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
@_iamalik: The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.