Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
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Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
when nothing goes right… go left
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Never ghost your hitman.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?