@KellieMounce: Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don't use your girlfriend's urine for testing.
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@djdarrellripley: Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD. Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
@ImKevinito: I wish cops cared about me wearing a condom as much as they care about me wearing a seat belt.
@ChrisScarlette: May I pay you handsomely, good sir? -Why yes you may. *opens wallet* *pulls out Ryan Gosling*
@DurtMcHurtt: [meeting girlfriend at the park] Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic! Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let's do this.