@KellieMounce: Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don't use your girlfriend's urine for testing.
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@MJMcKean: Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer "Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion".
@theshantilly: *avoids eye contact until 10 ft from friend *keeps avoiding eye contact *walks by friend *hears friend calling name *breaks into a run
@WhaJoTalkinBout: My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan's Valentine.
@weinerdog4life: There is a button on my microwave that says "super clown" and I do not ever push that button