Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
You Might Also Like
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!