worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
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[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
That lamp looks PISSED.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
I…do not understand how electricity works.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.