Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
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Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.