Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
You Might Also Like
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.