I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
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men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.