Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
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Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.