Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
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He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid