Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
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Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Seals are just dog mermaids.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda