Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
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[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Tell me you get it…🤣
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.