Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
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Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
scared to check what name she chose
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”