Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
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When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing