#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
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I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
The little toadstool has spoken.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN