Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
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Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi