Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
You Might Also Like
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Woke up against my better judgement again
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.