Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
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[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
the clam before the storm
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her