@Tups13: Would the Government cope in a zombie apocalypse? Vacant, horrible, disoriented people stumbling around without purpose. Plus the zombies.
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@WilliamAder: If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I've used up my ten free New York Times articles.
@ericsshadow: [wife frantically searching the house] Have you seen the kids, I've looked everywhere [me napping on couch] OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
@Macar00ny: Give a man a subtweet and he'll be like "is this about me?" Teach a man to subtweet you'll be like "is that about me?"