Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
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The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.