Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
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Trying
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
good work, everybody
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.