“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
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*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??