Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
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What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.